I'm pants shitting drunk right now
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
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