This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
