I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
