Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
