I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
You can't motorboat a personality
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
