Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
