apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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