dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
