I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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