i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
