my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
