How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Randomize
