ya dads aren't the best wingmen
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
