filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
