I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
