The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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