Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
