Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
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