Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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