Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
