There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
