I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Randomize
