I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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