I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Randomize
