She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
