if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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