I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
