I faked an abortion last night.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
