I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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