yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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