the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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