I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
