I could make wine with my vomit
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
