Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
