Rock
Scissors
Fuck
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
