evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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