so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
