The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize