Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize