Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
