I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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