My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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