if you like me you must not know who I am
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
