Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
