the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
