at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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