I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
