i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
