alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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