Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
