when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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