Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
