you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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