Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
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