What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
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