Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
