I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
Drake has all the answers
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
