I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
