I'm sorry my penis didn't work
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
