I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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