Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
