I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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