what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
