dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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