my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
